…conquering a fear…

….just had a couple of days away for a recharge and wow did I need it. A great time at centre parcs with my mate Craig. Swimming. Rapids. Aerial assault course. A zip line. Don’t know whether you know but I hate heights and get very scared of them ( well not the height just the sudden stop ) so conquering the assault course and zip wire were big challenges for me and after all the news I have been hearing about friends makes my troubles fade into insignificant ness and I want to challenge myself a bit more 

So now I am back. I have had new acting headshots done so I am excited to get them out to casting directors and hope that they will change the tide. 

In other jobs I have a phone interview in 2 weeks and another possible interview by the end of the month. Job hunting is so painful and so slow

Started going back to the gym as a focus point and also to stay healthy. I went for 2 months and then stopped after Xmas so now not been for 6 months. I don’t like my body that much so it’s hard work putting myself through this but may help settle my mind

Also started working at a charity shop pricing their media. It’s not over exciting but takes my mind off job hunting for a bit

So.. back on the trail.. only went away for 3 days but well worth it as I feel a bit more focussed for now… time will tell


…difficult to write today…

… found some news out about a friend which rocked me yesterday  , we are so fragile , and are temporary on this earth , made me think a lot about that situation and my own.. i am going away for a few days on Friday with a friend to work out what happens next..and the frustrating thing for me is the time that seems to be wasted while I search for that new job , or the next step , because a lot of it is spent .. waiting and worrying.. time doesn’t stop for anyone and I feel like I am constantly treading water while the time ticks away on the clock of life 

…when you walk , though a storm..

..woke up with this song in my head..now a lot of my MT friends ( Musical theatre ) will know this song from the famous musical Carousel , some of you may know it as a football anthem with the ending slightly changed to reflect the removal of certain limbs , but either way it seems quite relevant to me right now.

The words go on to say ‘ hold your head up high and don’t be afraid of the dark ‘ …now ok this is a little bit poetic and vague but it really means that although things may look a bit bleak  , stay focused , hold your head high ( and that is not always easy to do ) and don’t be afraid of what you don’t know that is in the dark. All these things may sound easy  , but sometimes the’re not …

The next bit  ‘ At the end of the storm, there’s a golden sky , and the sweet, silver song of a lark ‘ …means that the storm ‘ WILL end ‘ and at the end the sky will be clear…although to be honest  , at times it feels ‘ never ending’

The words carry on ,  ‘ walk on through the wind , walk on through the rain , though your dreams may be tossed and blown ‘ which to me means yep you will get thrown about a bit and blown a bit off track , but like walking through the wind you have to head straight on into it and not get blown of the path

…the song goes on and at the end says ‘ you’ll never walk alone ‘ ( or the customised version !! ) which is saying that even though things are bleak , you have people to support you and when things get too much know that there are people still around you , cheering you on.

I know its just a song , written by a certain person , at certain time , for a certain purpose , to convey a feeling of hope , and not ‘ real life ‘ but i am holding on , barely , to the fact that things will change , that the storm will end , and that the sky will clear  , eventually

i am going to leave you with another interesting quote that came to me ,

‘ not all guys who like Musical Theatre are gay , but all guys who are gay like Musical Theatre ‘ 




…i give up…and its not what you think

…..i give up…strong words..sometimes said in  ‘ frustration ‘  , or maybe in a literal sense…or for me its a combination of both…as I’ve said i have been out of work for nearly 8 months now..i have a strong CV in IT but also am wanting to carry on pursuing my acting career ( not so much of a career at the moment more of a sideline .but its still in my sights )…but after a conversation with an agency who said they can’t put me forward for a job that i am suitable for because the client looking won’t accept people who have been out of work over 6 months…WHAT…so even tho i have what you want because i have been unable to find work for a length of time i don’t even get considered…i got very annoyed with the recruiter for this and spent the next 20 minutes arguing my case..to no avail as he said the client can pick and choose as it is a buyers market…so…i give up…

I have had my time in the IT business , it has done me well..but maybe not now…maybe that time is over..

Those of you that know me  , know i have a doggedness about me , that i will pursue something like a ‘ dog with a bone  ‘ …if i don’t know something , i will find out..if i want something i will keep pursuing it until i get it..and that is the way i am with my acting and performing. I will keep going … until it happens…whatever the circumstance i am in.

My thoughts on real work were just to tide me over while i keep my acting career alive but that may now have to change as what i could do before i can no longer get employed for..not that i am not qualified its just that there are people more qualified than me..thats the way it is

So my search begins next week…outside the scope of IT..which i know… for another job that will serve a purpose to keep me in the acting world..i am not sure what that would be…i have recently signed up to do some voluntary work at a local Heart Foundation Shop as something to keep my brain occupied..but the job to bring in an income is yet to surface.

To say it feels like the ‘ end of an era’ is a but melodramatic…and who i am to cause drama ! … but at this moment it feels a bit that way…

Not every day…

I didn’t post yesterday as I didn’t want to get caught in that loop that says I have to post everyday whatever has happened or not so I thought I would break that pattern early… that being said today I was up early for a telephone interview for an IT job today which went the way of the titanic… you think you know where your going .. but you will hit a block at some point.. it didn’t go that well but we will see. 

So now I am pondering that and I feel tired from a random set of dreams and an early wake up call. 

No other news to talk of so will end for now 

… today is a bit weird..

You ever have those days when things feel a bit … weird . No . Just me then. So I have done a load of job applications. Searched through the acting jobs available ( not that many ) and am now working on an update for an iPhone app I distribute ( yawn !! ). So now ,, things are out of my hands. Waiting on a follow up from a phone call yesterday. The weather is a bit meh but I might take a walk down to the town in a bit so now I feel a bit weird. 

I am in the early stages of planning a musical ,, very early stages and also going away to Centre Parks for a few days soon so that will break things up and need to read a script for a film I am involved in ( unpaid ) so yep … nothing else to report today ..

… I like Mondays…

.. there I’ve said it , I like mondays, I am probably in that tiny percentage of 0.1% who like Mondays .. so why ??  It’s a new week , a new start , new opportunities and you never know what the week is going to hold. Even when I was working I felt like this. I love it. My mood is upbeat , positive and enthusiastic. I have already had a call from an agency about some IT work and am waiting to hear on some other opportunities. I have applied for some acting jobs and am planning to have some new headshots done over the next few weeks which is part of the acting game in that you need to keep your profile current

I like to start the week off in a positive way so that when the hard things happen you can deal with them better when you are in a positive mood than when you are feeling negative

So that’s where I am , right now , waiting for things to happen that are out of my control .. nothing ground breaking in today’s post but that’s life.. isn’t it ?

.. an actor lives in ‘hope’

Yesterday was amazing and saddening. As I cant give much away about it all I can say is I was asked to be in a scene with two of the hottest properties in tv today and seeing them work was an amazing sight. I was only in a large group scene so blink and you miss me but to be there and experience these people was worth it

The main actor did take after take after take but each time ‘felt the lines ‘ didn’t repeat a pattern as some do. I watched and thought ‘ I could do that ‘ and ‘ that’s the way I was taught ‘ … it made me feel good that i ‘ act ‘ in the same way

But , he was ‘ up there ‘ and I was ‘ down here ‘. It made me feel like I am on my way but still so far to go to get to his level and that gulf between almost feels too big

I need my break in this career. I feel after 13 years as a pro it’s my time but when and if it will happen is not in my hands I just know I can’t stop trying

Today I feel like I am back to the drawing board. Yesterday is over time to move on

Even though I am applying for ‘ normal work ‘ in order to keep a roof over my head my passion and drive is still there but whether it will play out remains to be seen

Friday is usually my worst day as it’s the end of the week so all opportunities end at 5pm so I wait for them to come in before this time , constantly hoping until this time and when the weekend hits I have to put those things away and try to enjoy my weekend without worrying and prepare for what’s to come in the week ahead

My mood is contemplative … happy for yesterday but sad that what I want seems so far away but could change on a phone call. That is what keeps most actors going… a change could happen.. in an instant… but it is also the downfall of most actors is that waiting for a change that will never come…

We live in hope ….

The glamorous life of an actor ….

Oh the glitz , the glamour , the stardom , the … getting up at 4.30 am to be on set 2 hours away at 6.45..  a late email yesterday from a casting dept looking for me to be an SA on a tv series ( cannot say what.. legal NDA ). S A is supporting artist or Extra or Slave as some may call it but right now i need work and I need to earn so I said yes. So now , I am on the train heading there. Not sure what I will be doing or wearing or how long I will be there but nice to be doing something. 

A bad evening yesterday. I had bills to settle and that sinking feeling when you have to pay out and notice that there is nothing going in really hits hard. I started going through various scenarios of ‘worst case ‘ if I don’t get more work. It’s not a nice feeling and I dread those days. Otherwise I had a day in the sun watching the world go by. As I said i will report the good and the bad times and yesterday had a bit of both

..something to do today.. visit the Job Centre

.. yes I know , you may laugh about this .. in fact .. go on … I’ll wait .. ok done. So yep. When you are unemployed as I’ve said before you have to fill a good 6 hours of the day where you would normally be working so when I know I have to go to sign on and receive my fortune from the government it gives me a purpose .. something to do .. I have to get up , shower , get paperwork ready , get on a train and go.. seems silly really but it breaks up the day

My job centre visits are usually short and sweet ‘anything happening ‘ , ‘ not really , a few applications ‘ ok sign here. My lady is really nice and knows when people are looking and those that are collecting dole.. 

So once that is done I pop over the road to get some food. This puts me in a different environment and takes me away from my usual coffee and food stops. Every little change helps shift your mindset

When I stated this blog I made a decision to post each time how I feel ,, good and bad

Well today I feel ok , had a weird nights sleep ( I will get onto sleep patterns in a bit ) but feel ok. Had an email about a small acting job and am waiting on call from a real job agency

So sleep … when you are unemployed your sleep patterns can suffer causing a multitude of problems. 

If your brain isn’t worked in the day and you haven’t been active you can’t sleep at night as you are not tired enough

If you nap in the day for too long it can also prevent you sleeping at night

If you sleep too long again the next night you can’t sleep 

All your circadian rhythms are out..

You get irritable , angry , over tired , upset easily and more quick tempered

I found all these problems and have found a few things help. Relaxation apps clear your mind. Even if I am falling asleep mid evening ( due to inactivity ) stay awake. Move about and try and stay awake another couple of hours. Have a cold drink. Non alcohol. Listen to music before bed

Sleep is important to get right as it can effect your health, mood and reaction to things that happen in your day

Don’t oversleep, don’t say ‘ just 10 more minutes ‘ follow your routine ( in my last blog ). Don’t nap in the day 

I know all this cos I have been through it. It’s not easy to do when you don’t have stuff to do , sleep seems like welcome relief, but don’t let it suck you in