Taking a step back …

You’ve not heard from me for a while so let me update you as to where we are… well … I landed a job on Thursday and started Friday. Mixed feelings as I started because I felt like I was making a choice over what I really wanted to be doing but that has not reared its head for a while and bills need to be paid. Lots of thoughts went through my head last Friday … what am I doing ? Do I want this ?  Is this for me ? Am I doing myself a mis-service ?  Too many thoughts along with a long journey to work a long day learning loads of new things and lots of confusion. 

Today and over the weekend the dust has settled and I am able to look at it from a non – emotional and rational point of view

First .. I still have ambition to acheive what I want .. and still have that focus but for now I feel I need to consolidate to move forward. The last 9 months has been difficult mentally and monetary wise and so now is my time to recoup and rebalance. The job is not massively paid and I have to cope with London expenses and for now it feels like a step backward but I have to treat it as a step back to go forward. Hopefully my mental state will improve , my monetary state will benefit and it could change my overall perception

It’s still early days but I am trying to look at it as a positive step .. at the moment back but moving forward 

..Ambition + destiny = reality ?? …

There are times when ambition and what you may think is your destiny ( what you should do ) come into conflict with that thing called reality

Without knowing it fully I have always had a love for performing and acting and when I left school that desire for performing eventually … after many years .. led me to go to drama school

For the last 9 months I have not had a job and so that thing called ‘ reality ‘ reared its ugly head and I am finding I am having to make choices that sit very uncomfortably with me..

After several interviews it looks like one of the jobs I have applied for will happen but along with that comes that nasty place of heading down a path I don’t want to go as it may result in ‘giving up ‘ acting

I still feel I have so much to give in the profession but not given the chance to. The game has changed over the years and it is increasingly hard for new people to get into .. unless you are a reality tv star , an instagram icon or just become a news item because you refuse to wear high heels at work .. ( yes she has been offered a role in Corrie !!! ). If you are a working actor it is very very hard to crack

So choices are now starting to come into the equation and choices I knew I would have to make at some point although my ‘gut’ feeling is to carry on acting … if I can balance both like before I would be in a win win situation but that is hard to do

I wish I was someone who could just focus on an IT career but I know i will always have that ‘acting thing ‘ poking me in the ribs and maybe for now it needs to be parked but when you have this ‘ gut ‘ feeling nagging at you it can be hard to focus on another career

Getting back on the horse…

I feel like this is the story of my life … something happens , something goes wrong , a day of crap , next day ‘back on the horse’

As you can tell I feel better today. Still very disappointed but accepting of what’s happened

Sat in a cafe about to have an emergency interview for a ‘real job’ my thoughts turn naturally to my other career. When people say it must be so hard … there is no word invented to describe how hard it is … to get noticed , to get seen for things so you take whatever is thrown your way and run as fast as you can with it becaus you don’t know when the next thing is coming

I am now in that hiatus period where nothing is on the horizon so nothing could happen or everything … I don’t know

I still love this business and the last 3 days on set doing scenes and told nice things reassures me… I am still learning from others .. and still willing to learn and adapt and am now looking forward to the next thing whatever that might be

I met some nice people the last few days that I wouldn’t have met before and feel glad for them entering into my world

For now … a blank slate , approaching 50 , never would have thought I would be in this position while approaching 50 but am grateful for my health , my friends , my surviving family and the fact that there are still lots of surprises to come and maybe , just maybe , this project finishing opens up new doors in work or other ways

… as one door closes…

… when I started this I aimed to speak to After working on a potentially groundbreaking feature film the last few days… today our lead guy …. terminated his contract … and brought the production to a grinding halt…( akin to a trains emergency cord being pulled )

A low budget production with months of prep , casting , booking crew .. ended just like that

I had spent a month learning all my lines for the shoot and had just done 3 days of filming on the project and now am … gutted

There are no words ,, anger isn’t enough , seething gets close .. a chance to prove my worth .. ended… as you know I have had little or no opportunities in tv and film this year and this was a potential groundbreaker… ended

So… now I am having a steak and a beer trying to see the ‘positive’ side … as we are always told to look for the positive .. I met Georgie , who was playing my daughter and instantly we got on , I will miss her being around .. and loads of other lovely people 

So what’s next .:: I don’t know … I feel like yet again the rug has been pulled from under me .. 2017 has been a very cruel mistress..and doesn’t show any sign of letting up

… saying goodbye..

Sat in a restaurant looking out on the town I was brought up in … I would rather be here for a happier reason… but today is not the case… today I attend the funeral of a friend of over 30 years , a loving , kind , selfless person which there is no other who was taken far too young 

While I dread what the day will hold with moments of tears and sadness I am trying to find the strength to take it in and take on the words that Pete gave me before he died … ‘ don’t be angry ‘ …. I had an outburst of anger on Facebook when I found out his situation and quite out of character said some strong words… when we were alone at the hospice he told me off for saying it… so today I am going to try to ‘ not be angry ‘ but celebrate his life. All the good times we had and all the experiences we shared , the laughs , the tears , the disagreements and all the beer

It is tough being back in this town as it also holds so many memories of my mum and dad and brother who are sadly not with us anymore and every road and place holds a memory

I have not been able to come back to this town for years since my mum passed and didn’t want a reason to come back as there are so many raw memories but , today , it was right , it’s right to be here for Pete , and for me to eventually face my demons about this place and my family home

I am not posting this on the day as I don’t feel it’s right so double posting today 

… starting again ..after

.. after the last few weeks tragedy which i may well talk about more at some point… i have returned to my home and life and reflected a lot on what has happened. I saw old friends that i hadn’t seen for years , we laughed and chatted about the ‘ olden’ days ‘ and with an over arching sadness of the occasion it made me think what is most valuable..

.. for the last 9 months i have been without a job and stressed and worried about it with not only the financial struggle it has left me with but the mental struggle of dealing with it..day after day..with no sign of it letting up. In lieu of this i got involved in several am dram productions and recently played the Narrator in the play version of Blood Brothers ( which i saw over 25 years ago and said one day that would be me ) which i loved and next week i am due to play a part in a very exciting and ambitious feature film called ‘ the quiet dude ‘ … so even tho things have been grim i have tried to carry on and enjoy my life.

Today i have spoken to a couple of ‘ real job ‘ people and have re-done my CV as i think it is not quite hitting the mark

You see , i have two lives going on at once , one is my acting career of which i gave up work to pursue many years ago of which i am still waiting for it to really kick off… i have got involved in some great theatre , tv and film but am still knocking at the door to get a really good role in some tv and film but it is very very hard to do and is getting increasingly hard due to the lack of finances for it and the amount of people doing it..that being said i will still carry on…trying to get my foot in the door

On the other hand , i need to live , to survive , and with that i need money to finance me and so i have to look at earning a good wage in order to finance my other pursuit. It has been a continual balancing act to get this things working in tandem which fell apart last October when i lost my job. Now i am getting into a difficult financial position of which i am going to have to take a job , any job , in order to finance me and get me out of it. Not that i haven’t been active in the job market ..its that even with interviews and phone call interviews …nothing has come up.. you may say that its just timing , unlucky , the jobs market or you may say someone else has got a hand in this…right now ..i don’t know , all i do know is that in 3 months time i won’t be able to pay my mortgage and so will have to resort to other means to finance me.

I have options , i have a property i rent out , which covers its costs but my option will be to go ahead and sell that property which is not what i want to do right now

You may say , why is he moaning , it was his choice…yes it was my choice , my decisions to live a life that i wanted with no regrets and not saying ‘ i wish i had gone to drama school ‘ …i did it , that was my choice…needless to say ..this is now becoming a difficult challenge and tough decisions will have to be made

I am waiting to hear about 3 jobs and so if one of those came up i would take it in order to get myself out of this situation and on a more level playing field..but us usual….i wait

 

…stay positive…

I think I see those types of memes or get those types of comments or see a twitter feed with that message ..everyday

• ‘Turn a negative into a positive ‘… so if your day is shit today you could say well it wasn’t as shit as yesterday…positive 
• FAIL … ‘first attempt in learning’…WHO ON EARTH CAME UP WITH THAT
• E.N.D. means “Effort Never Dies“
•  N.O. means “Next Opportunity“.”

In fact look this guy up.. some of his comments are genius !?!?!?

So I am not stupid and know that this all derives from the book the secret which deals with sending out positive vibes into the universe in order to get positivity back

It also deals with the law of attraction which denotes that you attract things that your mind and brain waves send out so if you are sending out negative vibes you will get negative vibes back

If you have read The Secret , or watched it on video ( I have done both ) you will see this arrangement of chirpy scientists bankers , teachers , lawyers from every profession and of course they’re BLOODY HAPPY  because their book that they featuring is actually being sold around the world and they are no doubt getting a cut from it

So not to be a ‘ negative nancy ‘ but in order to get on a role with this positivity lark you actually need something positive to happen to give you a kickstart and waiting for that positive thing to happen and not the obvious one that you should start the day saying ‘oh what a beautiful day’ because that’s positive or thanking the universe for the program ‘love island ‘

As you may be able to tell I am in a slightly sarcastic mood at the moment, not negative, just a bit sarcastic because I am waiting on interviews and jobs I have applied for and acting jobs and any other application I have put in to the Ether and asked the universe to deal with it

Like a child waiting for Christmas to arrive I am still waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting for something to happen and that being out of work for the length of time I have is now defying the laws of the universe unless there is some divine plan that I am on aware off and that will make sense in years to come but right now universe it’s doing my head in…..

So for now I have decided not to chase opportunities to sit back and wait for things to happen because obviously by me trying to make things happen nothing does

Some people might disagree with me but they don’t know what it has been like for the past eight months and you get to a point where you feel like giving up because nothing is working in your favour

So getting back to this positivity lark I am being positive but being positive and being objective to what is happening to me at this time and it’s easy for people to say that you need to be more positive when you feel that the positivity you need has to come from one of the things that you are concerned about actually happening

Positivity for the sake of positivity, which is sometimes an American trait, is sometimes not the best thing.there is a quote that said the Americans were so positive that nothing bad would happen to them that’s not only the devastation of 911 hit them in a physical way but also in a mental way because they are brought up to believe that they are virtually indestructible and that America and American people are the greatest people in the world

… a short hiatus

.. as some of you may know there has been a tragic occurrence with one of my closest friends which is why there has been a short hiatus in writing. I will talk more about this at some point but for now the feelings are still very raw…

Inspirational memes all around me …

Nowadays we can’t move for ‘ inspirational memes , … they are everywhere on social media , telling us wise sayings , old Chinese proverbs ( probably made up by Nigel in the pub ) and ways to navigate through life

Some are great some are complete bollocks but the things that get me are the ‘ inspirational talks ‘ by celebrities 

Now again , some of these are very good , Peter Dinklage saying he spent a long time out in the world before he would allow himself to fail or Will Smith saying ‘ your greatest triumph is the other side of your greatest fear ‘ … some of these are moving , some inspiring but what gets me is that these people ‘ are already succeeding ‘ what about the people who have followed similar  lifestyles who haven’t succeeded.. we don’t see them recording themselves saying how badly they failed or how much life kicked them in the ass then they got up only to be kicked again and are still being kicked …only successful ones

Are we going to have a nation of people who say in 20 years time , Will smith told me to do this , Peter Dinklage said it would be ok.. and then put the blame an anything but good fortune

Some people are lucky , born lucky , have a lucky streak in them and some make there own luck. By being present , trying , continually trying against all the odds to succeed even though it feels the whole world is against you , you keep trying 

That’s where I am. I read inspirational memes and take what I can. I have taken chances in my career where I could have played safe. I left a world I knew for a world I didn’t. I left friends behind to make new ones. I have done all these things that the inspirational memes and talks mention and yet still feel like I am failing ( first attempt in learning .. wow.. doh.. awful attempt at justifying the word ) . I keep on going tho , against the odds , trying to break down the barriers in front of me … why.. because I know it is in me , it is borne into me … I feel it … I know it’s right because I can’t imagine doing anything else… but it’s hard.. so hard .. and at times I feel like giving up but have to keep going

Apart from 2 horrendous years of pain ( no details ) this has been the hardest year for me , the not knowing , the chasing and not catching and the fact that at times I feel invisible 

Oh well.. at least I still have ‘ memes.’ 

…conquering a fear…

….just had a couple of days away for a recharge and wow did I need it. A great time at centre parcs with my mate Craig. Swimming. Rapids. Aerial assault course. A zip line. Don’t know whether you know but I hate heights and get very scared of them ( well not the height just the sudden stop ) so conquering the assault course and zip wire were big challenges for me and after all the news I have been hearing about friends makes my troubles fade into insignificant ness and I want to challenge myself a bit more 

So now I am back. I have had new acting headshots done so I am excited to get them out to casting directors and hope that they will change the tide. 

In other jobs I have a phone interview in 2 weeks and another possible interview by the end of the month. Job hunting is so painful and so slow

Started going back to the gym as a focus point and also to stay healthy. I went for 2 months and then stopped after Xmas so now not been for 6 months. I don’t like my body that much so it’s hard work putting myself through this but may help settle my mind

Also started working at a charity shop pricing their media. It’s not over exciting but takes my mind off job hunting for a bit

So.. back on the trail.. only went away for 3 days but well worth it as I feel a bit more focussed for now… time will tell